It's been a long time since the Angry Princess has posted a blog. And, most of my blogs are about weight loss and my struggle with it. However, events of the past week surrounding the Paula Deen controversy have compelled me to speak up and share.
Last week I declared on Facebook that "I am no longer a Paula Deen fan". I based that decision on a leaked deposition where she admitted to having used the "n" word in the past (among other things). Based on all of the information I've poured over in the last week and after some honest reflection, I'll tentatively retract that statement. Here's why.
I don't know of a single person in my life who would say that I am a racist. They would, in fact, say the opposite. It is a well known fact among my contemporaries that I don't condone discrimination of any kind. The reason I bring this up is because if I were under oath today and compelled to answer "Have you ever used the 'N' word?" My answer would have to be "yes." I know who I said it to and I know exactly why I said it. I was angry and this person had threatened a girlfriend of mine. But, regardless of how angry I was, "asshole" would have been a better term. I was 16 years old. What did I know? Today, I know that I was wrong. Now, If I was asked "have you used the "n" word any time in the last 30 years, my answer would be "no." Note the distinction.
Growing up in the 70s and 80s was a very different time. We marginalize that phrase, but there is truth in it. The "n" word was tossed around by both blacks and whites freely when I was growing up. I grew up in East Nashville and went to schools that were very much integrated. I had the opportunity to see from my own eyes that, while there are distinct cultural differences amongst blacks and whites, we are all human and equal in measure. By the time I reached college, I had friends of all colors, genders, nationalities and creeds. Today, I can add "sexual preferences" to that list. (I didn't know any gay people back then. Well... I didn't know they were gay.)
However, I do remember more than one occasion in my youth when I was chastised most vehemently by my elders about the company I kept and how it looked. More often than not, I've pretty much had an "I don't give a damn what you think" kind of attitude. And, I'm proud of that....
Except for this one time....
I would have to say that 1985 was a pivotal year for me. At the time, I was friends with a young man, who happened to be black. He was dating another friend who happened to be white.
This couple was taking a tremendous amount of heat for challenging the social norm and choosing to be together. When my white friend asked me what she should do, I told her that she should break up with my black friend because it would just be "easier'. It wasn't because I thought they were wrong to be together. I just didn't want to see either of them get hurt. So, instead of standing up alongside them and saying "big deal", I suggested the "easy" path. I have few regrets, but if I had a chance to take back a moment in my life, this would be one of them. It was the absolute worst advice I've ever given and I will regret it until the end of my days. I lost both of them as friends over this.
I realized immediately what I had done. But, no amount of "I'm sorry" could change the fact that I had abandoned them. I'm not being cavalier when I say this was a pivotal time because it was at that moment that I drew my own line in the sand saying "never again." I would never again hide behind what was easy at the expense of what was right.
It would be unfair to judge me based on that one snapshot of my life. I'd like to think that God will judge us on the totality of our lives and not just one moment in time. I feel that He would forgive me. So, I feel compelled to forgive Paula Deen. She could have lied. It would have been easier to lie.
When this story broke, I was heartbroken to learn that someone that I have admired so much was capable of something so awful. So, I'll make room for the possibility that I'm looking for a reason to forgive her. But, I'd rather have faith and be wrong than to not have faith and be right.
And, if I'm wrong and she really is the biggest racist of all time (move over Mel Gibson)?? Well she's already paying for it is she not? I hope that my faith in her humanity is not misplaced. I'm not condoning what she did or said. It was wrong. It IS wrong. What I am willing to do is give her a chance to explain and atone.
