The Angry Princess Diaries

May 30, 2012

The Princess is Angry. Fired Up even. Totally ticked at herself for letting this behavior go on for this long.

___________________________________________________
That's a line in the concrete. What's behind it is done.

The honesty in the self assessment that follows has been a long time coming and it's not pretty.

When last we spoke my weight was hovering somewhere around the 240 mark. It's crept up to .... wait.... I'll go weigh myself... 262. I happen to know that 12 of those pounds appeared over the last month and because (stupidly) I decided to stop taking my medication for PCOS. I remember the day clearly when I told my husband that I had decided to stop taking it because "It's not doing anything for me." Stop rolling your eyes. I know it was stupid.

The good news is that I've been back on that medication for about two weeks now. It takes about a month for it to start working it's magic. But, lets say those 12 pounds drop right back off. That still puts me at 250 and over 100 pounds from what a healthy weight for my height is.

Oh how did this go so horribly wrong? I know how. The reason so many of us pack those pounds back on that we lost and then some is because we foolishly think that after a little success, we can go back to what we've always done and nothing bad will happen.

Isn't that what addicts say? I'll just have one drink and everything will be fine. It's almost never fine. Smokers that have quit for years have one and they are right back to their habit. And, it's not fine for me either. My weight is so much more than just eating too much of the wrong things.

I used to think that it was emotional eating that held me back. To a degree, I'm sure that's true. But, the real elephant in the room... er... Monkey on my back is sugar. No one, not even my husband wants to hear this. But, it's true. I am addicted to SUGAR. It's in nearly every processed thing we eat.

Want to know how I know that my addiction is real? Because I couldn't make it 24 hours yesterday after casually thinking -- I'm going to do a Sugar Detox. I pretty much set myself up for failure early by skipping breakfast. I had a salad for lunch with the Apple Cider dressing that came with it. (3rd ingredient on the package High Fructose Corn Syrup) and a Diet Coke (aspartame = fake sugar). In the afternoon I had plain greek yogurt with strawberries and pecans (very healthy). By 5 pm, I was going nuts. I'd only had about 700 calories so far. I ate a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. (Jelly = sugar; Bread = Sugar). At 7 I decided on 2 scrambled eggs and 3 slices of turkey bacon (No Sugar. Yay me). Somewhere in there I added popcorn. By 9 pm all I could think about was the birthday cake left over from THURSDAY! I'd been walking past it on the counter all day. I ate half of the slice and was so disgusted with myself that I wanted to just crawl in a hole and die.

That's just the "what" of it all. I don't think I can even recall all of the internal dialogue and struggle I was having with msyelf.

Justifications
Deals
Do-Overs
Resignations
Feeling worthless
Feeling stupid
Feeling weak

I'm sure there's more, but isn't that enough?

I've avoided this day for a long time. But, it's time to get real -- again. I've spent time recently counseling friends to leave the past in the past. So, I won't dwell on what I haven't done or should have done. I won't obsess about where I could be or should be with my weight loss.

I choose to focus on today. Tony was kind enough to bring me my new favorite: A vanilla latte for breakfast. He included a breakfast sandwich. 27g of sugar in the latte alone. 3g in the breakfast sandwich. We all have to start somewhere. A 21 day sugar detox is more than I can wrap my brain around right now. So, I'll start with 3 days. No, not tomorrow. NOW.

Ready. Set. Go!

Angry (really angry) Princess

Only 71 hours and 58 minutes to go