Day 76
Guilty...
Broken...
Beat Down...
Ashamed...
Think about these words next time you are tempted to do or say something you can’t take back because whatever relief you feel in the moment will immediately be replaced with the aforementioned feelings.
It doesn’t matter if you were provoked. It doesn’t matter if you were cornered. It doesn’t matter if you were justified (chances are you weren’t really justified). These feelings will still come and they are worse than feeling provoked, cornered or justified.
These are the feelings I’m feeling today. And, to add insult to injury, I’m faced with having to feel those feelings without the crutch of stuffing them back down with a cheeseburger... a pizza... or a giant slice of cake. I’d do just about anything to feel better right about now. But, I also know that a cheeseburger, much like lashing out, will only make me feel better in the “moment”. After that, I’ll just feel even more… guilty… broken… beat down… and ashamed. There is no escaping it. I’m just going to have to get through it and move on. There’s no short cut or easy way out. Lucky me.
The other thing about lashing out inappropriately is that you can’t really call the other person on their crap if you get right down there in the mud with them (or act worse). Ultimately, you get a double whammy. You feel the pain of what made you lash out in the first place. You feel the guilt of having reacted badly. And, you have to face the fact that two wrongs don’t make a right. Ok… that’s a triple whammy.
I find myself praying for redemption and forgiveness.
Sincerely,
Struggling and Distraught
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