Old Insecurities Die Hard

Day 89

I'll start with  the good. After an 11 day road trip, which included two Nascar races and a guest stint at the Griffin's in Roanoke, I am finally home. On the whole I did well. I exercised consistently, alternating between circuit training with weights (that I brought along with me) and lots and lots and LOTS of walking. I had a few missteps with food that in hindsight were not that bad. The scale will tell the real story tomorrow morning.

But, that's not the point of today's post. I want to talk about insecurity. For the most part, I am a fairly confident and self aware individual. But, I have insecurities just like anyone else. Most of the time, I'm able to brush them off. I take those feelings, shove them into a box using at least a roll of duct tape to seal it up before putting it in a bullet proof chest with a padlock and sliding it deep... deep... deep... into the recesses of my brain. Then I hide the key from myself.  Damn if that devil on my right shoulder doesn't have a way of sneaking past the Angel on my left when she's sleeping to find that stupid key.

If you are the largest woman in any situation, you feel it. I don't care how confident you are. In the back of your mind, you are comparing yourself to everyone around you. The people who know you may get how hard you're working and they may even tell you that you look great. You might even "know" in your heart that it's true, the hard work is paying off and you do look better. Still... every stranger that walks by doesn't know this. They see who you are today. And, while it really shouldn't matter what other people think, deep down it does matter.  

The key is to keep that crap at bay and don't let it invade your thoughts. Unfortunately, no one is perfect including me. I had a battle with these insecurities on Sunday. As my friend Beth lovingly told me "that's just stupid". She feels bad about that, but she shouldn't because she was right. I was being "stupid". I'm grateful that my little bout with emotional drama happened when I was surrounded by people who love me. That's the wonderful thing about having kick ass friends. They'll give you a little room to feel sorry for yourself. Then they will tell you that you're an idiot. But, they'll hug you and wipe your tears while they are saying it.

I already miss my friends so much. But, I am happy to be home. Tomorrow, I return to the structure of my regular week. My insecurities are back in the box sealed with duct tape and padlocked in the chest. I've also installed some high tech laser security features designed specifically to ward off any devils that might try to sneak in.

Cheers!
Margaret

P.S. I'm back to daily posts starting with this. Thanks for your patience during my spring break.