Day 363,
We're almost at the finish line of what started out at the OneYearToOneHundredPounds blog. Notice that it has since changed names to The Angry Princess Diaries.
This year has not been a total failure. But, it has not been a raging success either. I take ownership for my part in both my successes and failures. I'm dusting myself off to begin a new adventure that is perhaps a little more realistic and a little less doomed to failure than my last endeavor.
I'll close the year weighing in around 235. My beginning weight was 259 ish... So, all in all, not too shabby. My lowest weight this year was 229. My lack of focus allowed about 10 of those pounds to come back and I've successfully managed to get three of those off in the last three weeks.
But, I think it's more important for this post to be about what I've learned and the triumphs I've made because many would look at my stats and say "FAIL"! Dare I say that Jillian from The Biggest Loser would look at me with a mild disdain. I've got a few words for her, but this is a family friendly site, so I will refrain.
Top 10 Things I learned in 2010 (not necessarily in order of importance)
1. I CAN lose weight.
2. It's HARDER for me to lose weight than the average person. I do have medical issues that make it hard. That's not just an "excuse". (The funny thing is, if I lost the weight, I would no longer have those medical issues. Talk about a Catch 22.) Sometimes that harsh reality weakens my resolve and I "give up" for a while. I must work on that in 2011
3. I'm addicted to food. I admit it. I use food to deal with emotional issues (i.e. anger, stress, sadness)
4. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
5. I lowered my cholesterol, maintained healthy thyroid levels, and reduced my glucose levels with my lifestyle changes. (I need another 30 points off my cholesterol to make me happy. It's better. But, I'm not finished)
6. Lack of sleep will kill your weight loss efforts. Sleep, water, quality food and exercise are the four pillars for good health in my book.
7. It's more important to focus on overall health (mind, body and spirit) than just the weight. Weight is a symptom of the problem, not the actual problem.
8. I have an amazing support system
9. Results are directly impacted by my level of effort.
10. Exercise is a requirement, not an option.
I'm going back to where it all began this weekend. We are visiting our friends in Ohio for their annual New Years Eve party. Last year I wrote (what I thought were) all of my grievances on a piece of paper and burned it. I let go of a lot of issues that had been holding me back. I discovered a few more issues along the way. I'm a work in progress. I look at myself as a restoration project. And, with any complete overhaul, you're going to run into unforseen costs such as moldy drywall, roots in your plumbing, a bad roof, leaky faucets, poor insulation, bad wiring... you get my metaphor.
I'm working on my goals for next year. I won't be having an airing of grievances this year. I don't think it's necessary. I took care of that a few weeks back. I'm also going to break my goals down into more manageable chunks. Looking at that big number on the horizon can be paralyzing at times.
I'll be back on New Year's Eve or New Years Day with my new set of goals. Until then, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanza, Fesitivus or whatever you chose to celebrate in December. Enjoy your New Years Eve and let's make 2011 our best year yet.
Cheers!
Margaret
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
It's my party and I'll smile if I want to
Day 354
In case you haven't noticed, it's the holiday season and there is no shortage of celebrations that include a myriad of opportunities for excess. So far, I've kept it mostly in check. But, that's not the purpose of my post today. I want to talk about perspective. Every year come party season I stress about how I look. I beat myself up for how much weight I've gained or how much weight I have not lost.
But, not this year. And, believe me, it would be easy for me to fall into those old habits especially since it's no secret that I put on a few of those pounds I'd previously lost. It really comes down to perspective. I look as good as I possibly can given the level of effort I've put into it. And, I look way better than this same week last year and I can prove it.
Changes is attitude and girth are evident on my face. That smile on the left was forced and a bit fake. It was my "Oh God I hope this picture of me in this hideous dress does not end up on Facebook" smile. The smile on the right is "Yeah. I look good. I'm gonna post this pic on facebook my damn self" smile... Please note the obvious lack of chin-age. I'm working my way down to the Merrill double as opposed to the obese triple I was careening toward last year.
I went to two holiday parties on Saturday. I was only self conscious once when I caught sight of my legs in a mirror at Hollywood Disco. My calves are chunky. I don't like that. I'm working on it.
I'm sorry. I digress.
I told my husband on the way to party number one that "I actually feel like I look pretty tonight." Those feelings are rare bordering on non-existent in my world. But, it was the truth. And, his perfect response was "good because you do." This confidence enabled me to have a fabulous evening as a result. I wasn't worried about whether or not I looked fat in my dress. I wasn't worried about what other people thought of me. I genuinely had a good time.
Later that evening I noticed that my husband had posted the following status on Facebook. "My wife is beautiful." He's my champion and is always quick to tell me that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, it was this spur of the moment status in the midst of a party where we were mingling and on totally opposite ends of the bar, that grabbed hold of my heart. It was spontaneous and heartfelt and quite possibly the best Christmas gift I've ever received. And, for once, I actually believed it too.
I'm slowly chipping away at this armour of fat and getting to know the me underneath. My confidence is rising and I believe in myself again. The scale reflects the loss, but it cannot possibly convey all that I'm gaining in return for each and every single one of those pounds.
P.S. This week brings me to another 1 lb loss. 7 more to go to get back to "even".
Cheers!
Margaret
In case you haven't noticed, it's the holiday season and there is no shortage of celebrations that include a myriad of opportunities for excess. So far, I've kept it mostly in check. But, that's not the purpose of my post today. I want to talk about perspective. Every year come party season I stress about how I look. I beat myself up for how much weight I've gained or how much weight I have not lost.
But, not this year. And, believe me, it would be easy for me to fall into those old habits especially since it's no secret that I put on a few of those pounds I'd previously lost. It really comes down to perspective. I look as good as I possibly can given the level of effort I've put into it. And, I look way better than this same week last year and I can prove it.
 |
| 2009 Christmas |
 |
| 2010 Christmas |
Changes is attitude and girth are evident on my face. That smile on the left was forced and a bit fake. It was my "Oh God I hope this picture of me in this hideous dress does not end up on Facebook" smile. The smile on the right is "Yeah. I look good. I'm gonna post this pic on facebook my damn self" smile... Please note the obvious lack of chin-age. I'm working my way down to the Merrill double as opposed to the obese triple I was careening toward last year.
I went to two holiday parties on Saturday. I was only self conscious once when I caught sight of my legs in a mirror at Hollywood Disco. My calves are chunky. I don't like that. I'm working on it.
I'm sorry. I digress.
I told my husband on the way to party number one that "I actually feel like I look pretty tonight." Those feelings are rare bordering on non-existent in my world. But, it was the truth. And, his perfect response was "good because you do." This confidence enabled me to have a fabulous evening as a result. I wasn't worried about whether or not I looked fat in my dress. I wasn't worried about what other people thought of me. I genuinely had a good time.
Later that evening I noticed that my husband had posted the following status on Facebook. "My wife is beautiful." He's my champion and is always quick to tell me that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, it was this spur of the moment status in the midst of a party where we were mingling and on totally opposite ends of the bar, that grabbed hold of my heart. It was spontaneous and heartfelt and quite possibly the best Christmas gift I've ever received. And, for once, I actually believed it too.
I'm slowly chipping away at this armour of fat and getting to know the me underneath. My confidence is rising and I believe in myself again. The scale reflects the loss, but it cannot possibly convey all that I'm gaining in return for each and every single one of those pounds.
P.S. This week brings me to another 1 lb loss. 7 more to go to get back to "even".
Cheers!
Margaret
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Back Away from the Gingerbread Man...
Day 348,
Yesterday's workout kicked my butt. But, not so much so that I didn't go back for a little more torture today. My chest feels like someone is standing on it and my legs are like jello. I ain't hatin it. :)
However, I did almost get derailed a bit today. I met my friend Gina for lunch at Panera Bread. I was a bit frustrated by some news I'd just heard at work and completely distracted. I walked right up to the counter and ordered what I had planned for lunch -- chili. (So far, so good right?) I let the cashier swipe my "My Panera" card and she asked me if I'd like to add a pastry for 99 cents. The words were out of my mouth before I even thought about it. "Sure!" I said. "Oh but wait, maybe I shouldn't"... went my internal dialogue. So, I compromised and decided to order the Gingerbread Man instead of my old standby the shortbread cookie. Gingerbread is healthier. Right?
I sidled up to the table and was immediately called on the carpet. "As your friend, I CANNOT let you eat that." Inside my head, I was screaming "WTF?" Fortunately, what came out of my mouth was "I have the points for it" (defensive justification at best). She would not let it go. Suitably shamed. I put the cookie in my purse. She didn't want to let me even keep it. She knows me so well. But, I promised I wouldn't eat it and I didn't. I thought about it though. I had estimated the Weight Watchers points at 6. I decided to look it up. If I was right and it was a 6 point cookie, then I would I eat it. As it turns out, Panera nearly screwed me again. It was worth 9 points!
The alarm bells were going off in my head. Some strange lady's voice was coming across the imaginary loudspeaker saying "Back away from the Gingerbread Man and no one will get hurt!" I picked up the happy little dude and gave him to one of my coworkers with strict instructions NOT to give any piece of it back to me.
Crisis Averted! Thanks Gina!
Cheers!
Margaret
Yesterday's workout kicked my butt. But, not so much so that I didn't go back for a little more torture today. My chest feels like someone is standing on it and my legs are like jello. I ain't hatin it. :)
However, I did almost get derailed a bit today. I met my friend Gina for lunch at Panera Bread. I was a bit frustrated by some news I'd just heard at work and completely distracted. I walked right up to the counter and ordered what I had planned for lunch -- chili. (So far, so good right?) I let the cashier swipe my "My Panera" card and she asked me if I'd like to add a pastry for 99 cents. The words were out of my mouth before I even thought about it. "Sure!" I said. "Oh but wait, maybe I shouldn't"... went my internal dialogue. So, I compromised and decided to order the Gingerbread Man instead of my old standby the shortbread cookie. Gingerbread is healthier. Right?
The alarm bells were going off in my head. Some strange lady's voice was coming across the imaginary loudspeaker saying "Back away from the Gingerbread Man and no one will get hurt!" I picked up the happy little dude and gave him to one of my coworkers with strict instructions NOT to give any piece of it back to me.
Crisis Averted! Thanks Gina!
Cheers!
Margaret
Monday, December 13, 2010
I'm Back in the Saddle... Again
Day 347
Weight Report: 2 of those pesky 10 regained pounds are gone. "Gitty Up!" I'm back in ye olde proverbial saddle once again. It feels good to shed some emotional baggage that I let creep back on. I like the fact that I've shed some good old fashioned LBs (pronounced "El Bees") in the process too.
I mentioned last week that I joined Weight Watchers. The new Weight Watchers Points Plus system definitely rewards you for eating "clean". It now calculates points based on fat, carbohydrates, protein and fiber. The old system used calories, fat and fiber.
For Example:
In the past, good for you foods like bananas would cost you points simply based on calories. Basically, you could guarantee that anything over 50 calories generally counted a point. Given that logic, a Banana which typically has about 105 calories counted 2 points. A 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips (a highly processed snack) also counted 2 points. Not at all the same nutritional value.
Today that same bag of Cheese Nips will cost you 3 points and the banana will cost you 0 points. Think about it. Under the old rules, which item are you more likely to eat if they cost the same points? If you're a junk food junkie like me, you're eating those Cheese Nips. I'm just sayin. A food-a-holic will find any means to justify their cravings.
Kudos to Weight Watchers for finally adjusting their points system to evaluate foods based on their quality and not just the calories. Does that mean that I'll never eat a 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips again? No. But, I bet it keeps me from eating three of them. If I'm hungry, I can have an apple and a piece of string cheese for the same points in that bag of cheese nips.
Today, my breakfast cost me 6 points. (based on my weight I get 35 daily points and 49 weekly flex points. I can earn activity points for exercise. But, they aren't as reliable. More on that later) For those six points I ate a cup of oatmeal made with skim milk, 4 walnut halves chopped and a cup of blueberries and a banana. It's a good start. I need more protein. This is still a fairly carb heavy meal. I followed it up with a protein an fiber packed lunch. The Baja Salad from Wendy's is delicious. I leave off the pico and the guacamole. In the future I will also leave off the dressing and seasoned tortilla strips because they cost me 5 points and were SO NOT WORTH IT.
Yesterday, a cup of Peppermint Hot Cocoa from Panera send me into a tailspin. That sucker cost me 16 points. YES! Shocker! 16 points. I will never... ever... ever... order a coffee drink at Panera again. Who knew that a cup of hot cocoa could weigh in at a whopping 650 calories! I can get a 12 ounce fat free French Vanilla coffee at the Exxon gas station for 3 points. It only costs $1.08 and tastes nearly as delicious. That Panera Bread concoction cost me $3.59 and a step closer to future heart disease.
There are a thousand different ways to eat healthy out there. They all come in their own pretty little package. I chose Weight Watchers because my husband wants to drop some pounds too and he had success with Weight Watchers before. I believe that if we are in this together, we both have a greater chance at success. If the label needs to be Weight Watchers, I'm ok with that.
Many of my followers utilize a number of methods to stay healthy including: The Eat Clean Diet, Body For Life, P90X etc. They all work and they all have the same basic principles with just a different name. Don't tell my husband, but Weight Watchers is finally following these same principles too.
It snowed in my neck of the woods last night. An inch of snow in Nashville pretty much puts the city on lock down. But, I've been alerted that the YMCA is open for business. I'll be checking in there later this afternoon for some heart pounding cardio and a muscle building weight training.
Cheers!
Margaret
Weight Report: 2 of those pesky 10 regained pounds are gone. "Gitty Up!" I'm back in ye olde proverbial saddle once again. It feels good to shed some emotional baggage that I let creep back on. I like the fact that I've shed some good old fashioned LBs (pronounced "El Bees") in the process too.
I mentioned last week that I joined Weight Watchers. The new Weight Watchers Points Plus system definitely rewards you for eating "clean". It now calculates points based on fat, carbohydrates, protein and fiber. The old system used calories, fat and fiber.
For Example:
In the past, good for you foods like bananas would cost you points simply based on calories. Basically, you could guarantee that anything over 50 calories generally counted a point. Given that logic, a Banana which typically has about 105 calories counted 2 points. A 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips (a highly processed snack) also counted 2 points. Not at all the same nutritional value.
Today that same bag of Cheese Nips will cost you 3 points and the banana will cost you 0 points. Think about it. Under the old rules, which item are you more likely to eat if they cost the same points? If you're a junk food junkie like me, you're eating those Cheese Nips. I'm just sayin. A food-a-holic will find any means to justify their cravings.
Kudos to Weight Watchers for finally adjusting their points system to evaluate foods based on their quality and not just the calories. Does that mean that I'll never eat a 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips again? No. But, I bet it keeps me from eating three of them. If I'm hungry, I can have an apple and a piece of string cheese for the same points in that bag of cheese nips.
Today, my breakfast cost me 6 points. (based on my weight I get 35 daily points and 49 weekly flex points. I can earn activity points for exercise. But, they aren't as reliable. More on that later) For those six points I ate a cup of oatmeal made with skim milk, 4 walnut halves chopped and a cup of blueberries and a banana. It's a good start. I need more protein. This is still a fairly carb heavy meal. I followed it up with a protein an fiber packed lunch. The Baja Salad from Wendy's is delicious. I leave off the pico and the guacamole. In the future I will also leave off the dressing and seasoned tortilla strips because they cost me 5 points and were SO NOT WORTH IT.
Yesterday, a cup of Peppermint Hot Cocoa from Panera send me into a tailspin. That sucker cost me 16 points. YES! Shocker! 16 points. I will never... ever... ever... order a coffee drink at Panera again. Who knew that a cup of hot cocoa could weigh in at a whopping 650 calories! I can get a 12 ounce fat free French Vanilla coffee at the Exxon gas station for 3 points. It only costs $1.08 and tastes nearly as delicious. That Panera Bread concoction cost me $3.59 and a step closer to future heart disease.
There are a thousand different ways to eat healthy out there. They all come in their own pretty little package. I chose Weight Watchers because my husband wants to drop some pounds too and he had success with Weight Watchers before. I believe that if we are in this together, we both have a greater chance at success. If the label needs to be Weight Watchers, I'm ok with that.
Many of my followers utilize a number of methods to stay healthy including: The Eat Clean Diet, Body For Life, P90X etc. They all work and they all have the same basic principles with just a different name. Don't tell my husband, but Weight Watchers is finally following these same principles too.
It snowed in my neck of the woods last night. An inch of snow in Nashville pretty much puts the city on lock down. But, I've been alerted that the YMCA is open for business. I'll be checking in there later this afternoon for some heart pounding cardio and a muscle building weight training.
Cheers!
Margaret
Friday, December 10, 2010
I'm Doin all right
Day 344,
There's a song by Joe Nichols and the chorus goes... "I'm doin all right.. for the shape I'm in. The sun came up again this mornin."
That's how I feel. On many levels, yesterday was an EPIC Fail. But, in other ways, it was a complete breakthrough. On the one hand I experienced some severe emotional eating. But, on the other hand, I finally stood up for myself in a situation that has been an issue for me for YEARS.
Last night when I put my head to my pillow, I had to admit to my husband that I ate 8 (yes EIGHT) pieces of Cinnamon toast complete with my old friend butter. It's awful. I know. BUT stay with me. Admitting it is a huge deal. I hit rock bottom. And, I'm not unhappy about that. It was necessary. It was like an out of body experience. I was in the middle of a serious text battle with a family member with whom I've had a strained relationship my whole life. I actually told myself on the way to the kitchen for the second batch of cinnamon toast... "I can't deal with you right now because I'm busy ruining my own life." In the moment I knew this was destructive behavior. But, I couldn't stop myself. It was the only way that I could deal with the horrific pain. It's sad and abysmal. I'm not making an excuse here. It is what it s. It was an uinhealthy response. I knew it at the time. But, I was powerless to overcome it.
The true breakthrough is admitting it to someone else. My husband came home after the Titans' game (we won't discuss their dismal performance) and when we went to bed, I admitted what was wrong. I told him the whole story, the text battle complete with how I managed my emotions poorly. I said "I feel good and bad at the same time. Does that make sense?" I was glad that I finally said what I'd wanted to say for years. But, I regretted how I dealt with the accompanying feelings. It felt good when he said "I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself." He forgave the other. That really helped me.
Sometimes we have to get to a point where we realize that no matter how much we love someone, that it's best that we cut them out of our lives in order to survive. I've spent my entire adult life t:rying to avoid confrontation within my family. I keep quiet in order to keep the peace. I take abuse from some people and always end up forgiving them they say "sorry". No more.
But, that's not the moral of this story. I was on my way home from a work thing today and I heard this Joe Nichols song. The words "I'm doin all right for the shape I'm in." and "The sun came up again this morning" really REALLY hit home.Guess what? I survived. I said what needed to be said and I survived. The world didn't cease to exist. And, life didn't come to a screeching halt. What a novel idea!
Last New Years Eve when I rid myself of all my grievances, I was a little naive. Just saying that you let go of certain things isn't enough. You have to REALLY let go. Otherwise, it's just acting. I'm not dumb enough to say that I'm totally healed. But, I recognize my demon. That's half the battle. My naivete almost sent me back to obesity hell. But, I was fortunate enough to realize my folly before it was too late. Ignoring my pain isn't enough. I have to address it.
The sun will come up again tomorrow and I plan to greet it with a smile. I have a lovely family that I've created over the years. Some of them are blood relation. Many are not. But, I love them all the same. This is the time of year when we are supposed to count our blessings. Unfortunately, this is also a time when resentment tends to rear it's ugly head. I've dealt with that and now I plan to focus on the positive. I want to finish this year on a healthy note. I've had setbacks, it's true. But, I've also experienced success. I'm going to acknowledge, accept and celebrate it all.
It also doesn't hurt that I lost two pounds this week. Official weigh in is Monday. I'll keep you posted. I fully expect to report 2 of those regained 10 pounds GONE!
Cheers!
Margaret
There's a song by Joe Nichols and the chorus goes... "I'm doin all right.. for the shape I'm in. The sun came up again this mornin."
That's how I feel. On many levels, yesterday was an EPIC Fail. But, in other ways, it was a complete breakthrough. On the one hand I experienced some severe emotional eating. But, on the other hand, I finally stood up for myself in a situation that has been an issue for me for YEARS.
Last night when I put my head to my pillow, I had to admit to my husband that I ate 8 (yes EIGHT) pieces of Cinnamon toast complete with my old friend butter. It's awful. I know. BUT stay with me. Admitting it is a huge deal. I hit rock bottom. And, I'm not unhappy about that. It was necessary. It was like an out of body experience. I was in the middle of a serious text battle with a family member with whom I've had a strained relationship my whole life. I actually told myself on the way to the kitchen for the second batch of cinnamon toast... "I can't deal with you right now because I'm busy ruining my own life." In the moment I knew this was destructive behavior. But, I couldn't stop myself. It was the only way that I could deal with the horrific pain. It's sad and abysmal. I'm not making an excuse here. It is what it s. It was an uinhealthy response. I knew it at the time. But, I was powerless to overcome it.
The true breakthrough is admitting it to someone else. My husband came home after the Titans' game (we won't discuss their dismal performance) and when we went to bed, I admitted what was wrong. I told him the whole story, the text battle complete with how I managed my emotions poorly. I said "I feel good and bad at the same time. Does that make sense?" I was glad that I finally said what I'd wanted to say for years. But, I regretted how I dealt with the accompanying feelings. It felt good when he said "I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself." He forgave the other. That really helped me.
Sometimes we have to get to a point where we realize that no matter how much we love someone, that it's best that we cut them out of our lives in order to survive. I've spent my entire adult life t:rying to avoid confrontation within my family. I keep quiet in order to keep the peace. I take abuse from some people and always end up forgiving them they say "sorry". No more.
But, that's not the moral of this story. I was on my way home from a work thing today and I heard this Joe Nichols song. The words "I'm doin all right for the shape I'm in." and "The sun came up again this morning" really REALLY hit home.Guess what? I survived. I said what needed to be said and I survived. The world didn't cease to exist. And, life didn't come to a screeching halt. What a novel idea!
Last New Years Eve when I rid myself of all my grievances, I was a little naive. Just saying that you let go of certain things isn't enough. You have to REALLY let go. Otherwise, it's just acting. I'm not dumb enough to say that I'm totally healed. But, I recognize my demon. That's half the battle. My naivete almost sent me back to obesity hell. But, I was fortunate enough to realize my folly before it was too late. Ignoring my pain isn't enough. I have to address it.
The sun will come up again tomorrow and I plan to greet it with a smile. I have a lovely family that I've created over the years. Some of them are blood relation. Many are not. But, I love them all the same. This is the time of year when we are supposed to count our blessings. Unfortunately, this is also a time when resentment tends to rear it's ugly head. I've dealt with that and now I plan to focus on the positive. I want to finish this year on a healthy note. I've had setbacks, it's true. But, I've also experienced success. I'm going to acknowledge, accept and celebrate it all.
It also doesn't hurt that I lost two pounds this week. Official weigh in is Monday. I'll keep you posted. I fully expect to report 2 of those regained 10 pounds GONE!
Cheers!
Margaret
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Loathing and Resentment
Day 343
Yesterday, my friend Clara asked a really good question after my post.
Question: “What hurt so much that it was easier to hide in a bag of chips than it was to keep working out?”
Answer: Self Loathing and Resentment
But, it didn’t start out as that. At first I just missed a workout here and there. Then, it was a weekend of eating whatever I wanted. Then, it was guilt over doing those things and then continuing to do them. I felt guilty and hated myself for it. I began to resent the fact that everyone around me seems to be able to eat or drink whatever they want and never gain an ounce or exercise. If I so much as even look at a shortbread cookie, I can feel my ass expanding.
Add to that a tremendous amount of work stress. Then, a couple of friends had babies and I found out another friend was pregnant. Of course I was happy for them. But, it made me sad for myself as it was just a reminder of what I can’t have.
For the most part, I’ve put the whole baby thing behind me. But, every now and again, it creeps up and makes me feel less than I really am. Logically, I know this is not the case. I have a great life filled with friends and family who love, cherish and support me. But, even so, I still grieve from time to time. Not because of what I “don’t” have, but because I feel that I was robbed of a “choice” in the matter. At 43, I could adopt. But, do I really want to be 65 when my kid graduates from college? No.
Do I wish that I had started down the fertility path at 35 instead of 38? Yes.
Do I regret all of those years I spent thinking “it will eventually happen. Just let nature take its course.” Hell Yes.
Do I wish that I had listened to my friend Mark Oldham years ago when he said “I don’t want you to wake up one day and realize it’s too late?” Yes.
Do I regret past decisions that may have had a direct impact on my fertility? Yes.
Can I change any of this? No.
See… I’ve got the logic part down. It’s the grieving that I haven’t quite let go of yet. I’m tearing up just reading the words. But, don’t feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I need or want. I’m getting there. It just takes time.
Ultimately, It’s the mechanisms that I choose to help me deal with stress, pain, grief, happiness, anger, etc that are the problem. The problems themselves are not really the problem at all. Everyone faces challenges, obstacles, heartache, anger, happiness and pain. It’s about how we choose to deal our problems that really matters. You see, I’m quite good in a crisis – as long as it’s someone else’s crisis. If I see a problem that needs solving or a person who needs a shoulder or a helping hand, I’m the first one to jump up and say “what can I do?” If you need an advocate, I’m your girl. I’m a champion of the underdog.
Why is it that I have no problem waking up at 6 am in the morning to cook for my work place Thanksgiving meal (because I don’t want to let anyone down.) But, I can’t manage to get up at 6 am everyday to exercise for myself? I seem to have no problem breaking commitments to myself. Does that mean that deep down I don’t feel worthy?
As long as I’m fighting for someone other than myself, I’m like Wonder Woman, Yoda and The Rock all rolled up into one sassy package. But, when it comes to my own issues, this is not the case. I don’t talk about my problems. In fact, I’d almost always rather hear about yours than tell you about mine. I keep them in for as long as possible. If something is physically wrong, I would rather suffer than go to the doctor. I procrastinated a month over getting a flippin flu shot. When it comes to those deeper feelings of inadequacy, grief, resentment, or anger, I choose to eat those feelings. Literally eat them. I have caught myself eating to fill an empty space and unable to stop until it doesn’t feel empty anymore. These episodes are far less frequent than they used to be. But, I have to admit that this has happened a couple of times in the last two months. Junk food has been a faithful friend. It doesn’t judge me. It doesn’t criticize me. It smells good. It tastes good. It makes me feel good. But, what it’s really doing behind the scenes is silently kill me. Sometimes I think this must be what it feels like to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. The only problem is you can’t quit food cold turkey. Unless, of course, dying is an option, which it isn’t!
But, back to my point, a few missed workouts and a few weekends of culinary hedonism slowly became my everyday and not my exception. Pretty soon my work stress was getting so bad that insomnia crept back into my life. I would wake up exhausted and go to bed miserable and unable to think about the days failures. Since I’ve never been one to work out in the morning, it was no big deal for me to tell myself that “I’ll just go after work”. Yeah Right! By the time “after work” rolled around, all I could think about was getting home, putting on my pajamas and filling up on carbs while I watched DVR episodes of the Young and the Restless until my husband got home from his workout. (Ironically, I inspired him and then I fell apart.) The old familiar and comfortable habits were right there to comfort me just like they had always been.
But, yesterday, I took two steps in the right direction. I joined the new Weight Watchers program which calculates points based on fat, carbs, protein and fiber now instead of calories, fat and fiber. Whole foods generally are worth far fewer points. And, I dragged my lazy ass back to the gym. It was no easy feat either. I found a million reasons not to go. But, I kept driving. Once I got on the elliptical machine, I thought “there is no way I can make it 30 minutes.” I gave myself permission to re-evaluate at 20 minutes. By the time I got to 20, I knew that I could go 10 more and I did. But, oh how the mighty have fallen. I had to take the incline and resistance way down compared to my norm. Really? What did I expect after such a long break from activity? I don’t know what I expected, but what I got was De-conditioned and 10 lbs heavier. That is the reality of today.
I have a long way to go to get back on track. I hope you stay with me while I do it. I’m in food and exercise “rehab”. I appreciate so much the support you all have shown me. It pains me to know that I’ve let myself and all of you down. But, I’m no quitter.
Cheers!
Margaret
Yesterday, my friend Clara asked a really good question after my post.
Question: “What hurt so much that it was easier to hide in a bag of chips than it was to keep working out?”
Answer: Self Loathing and Resentment
But, it didn’t start out as that. At first I just missed a workout here and there. Then, it was a weekend of eating whatever I wanted. Then, it was guilt over doing those things and then continuing to do them. I felt guilty and hated myself for it. I began to resent the fact that everyone around me seems to be able to eat or drink whatever they want and never gain an ounce or exercise. If I so much as even look at a shortbread cookie, I can feel my ass expanding.
Add to that a tremendous amount of work stress. Then, a couple of friends had babies and I found out another friend was pregnant. Of course I was happy for them. But, it made me sad for myself as it was just a reminder of what I can’t have.
For the most part, I’ve put the whole baby thing behind me. But, every now and again, it creeps up and makes me feel less than I really am. Logically, I know this is not the case. I have a great life filled with friends and family who love, cherish and support me. But, even so, I still grieve from time to time. Not because of what I “don’t” have, but because I feel that I was robbed of a “choice” in the matter. At 43, I could adopt. But, do I really want to be 65 when my kid graduates from college? No.
Do I wish that I had started down the fertility path at 35 instead of 38? Yes.
Do I regret all of those years I spent thinking “it will eventually happen. Just let nature take its course.” Hell Yes.
Do I wish that I had listened to my friend Mark Oldham years ago when he said “I don’t want you to wake up one day and realize it’s too late?” Yes.
Do I regret past decisions that may have had a direct impact on my fertility? Yes.
Can I change any of this? No.
See… I’ve got the logic part down. It’s the grieving that I haven’t quite let go of yet. I’m tearing up just reading the words. But, don’t feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I need or want. I’m getting there. It just takes time.
Ultimately, It’s the mechanisms that I choose to help me deal with stress, pain, grief, happiness, anger, etc that are the problem. The problems themselves are not really the problem at all. Everyone faces challenges, obstacles, heartache, anger, happiness and pain. It’s about how we choose to deal our problems that really matters. You see, I’m quite good in a crisis – as long as it’s someone else’s crisis. If I see a problem that needs solving or a person who needs a shoulder or a helping hand, I’m the first one to jump up and say “what can I do?” If you need an advocate, I’m your girl. I’m a champion of the underdog.
Why is it that I have no problem waking up at 6 am in the morning to cook for my work place Thanksgiving meal (because I don’t want to let anyone down.) But, I can’t manage to get up at 6 am everyday to exercise for myself? I seem to have no problem breaking commitments to myself. Does that mean that deep down I don’t feel worthy?
As long as I’m fighting for someone other than myself, I’m like Wonder Woman, Yoda and The Rock all rolled up into one sassy package. But, when it comes to my own issues, this is not the case. I don’t talk about my problems. In fact, I’d almost always rather hear about yours than tell you about mine. I keep them in for as long as possible. If something is physically wrong, I would rather suffer than go to the doctor. I procrastinated a month over getting a flippin flu shot. When it comes to those deeper feelings of inadequacy, grief, resentment, or anger, I choose to eat those feelings. Literally eat them. I have caught myself eating to fill an empty space and unable to stop until it doesn’t feel empty anymore. These episodes are far less frequent than they used to be. But, I have to admit that this has happened a couple of times in the last two months. Junk food has been a faithful friend. It doesn’t judge me. It doesn’t criticize me. It smells good. It tastes good. It makes me feel good. But, what it’s really doing behind the scenes is silently kill me. Sometimes I think this must be what it feels like to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. The only problem is you can’t quit food cold turkey. Unless, of course, dying is an option, which it isn’t!
But, back to my point, a few missed workouts and a few weekends of culinary hedonism slowly became my everyday and not my exception. Pretty soon my work stress was getting so bad that insomnia crept back into my life. I would wake up exhausted and go to bed miserable and unable to think about the days failures. Since I’ve never been one to work out in the morning, it was no big deal for me to tell myself that “I’ll just go after work”. Yeah Right! By the time “after work” rolled around, all I could think about was getting home, putting on my pajamas and filling up on carbs while I watched DVR episodes of the Young and the Restless until my husband got home from his workout. (Ironically, I inspired him and then I fell apart.) The old familiar and comfortable habits were right there to comfort me just like they had always been.
But, yesterday, I took two steps in the right direction. I joined the new Weight Watchers program which calculates points based on fat, carbs, protein and fiber now instead of calories, fat and fiber. Whole foods generally are worth far fewer points. And, I dragged my lazy ass back to the gym. It was no easy feat either. I found a million reasons not to go. But, I kept driving. Once I got on the elliptical machine, I thought “there is no way I can make it 30 minutes.” I gave myself permission to re-evaluate at 20 minutes. By the time I got to 20, I knew that I could go 10 more and I did. But, oh how the mighty have fallen. I had to take the incline and resistance way down compared to my norm. Really? What did I expect after such a long break from activity? I don’t know what I expected, but what I got was De-conditioned and 10 lbs heavier. That is the reality of today.
I have a long way to go to get back on track. I hope you stay with me while I do it. I’m in food and exercise “rehab”. I appreciate so much the support you all have shown me. It pains me to know that I’ve let myself and all of you down. But, I’m no quitter.
Cheers!
Margaret
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
My Conscience Called...
Day 342
My conscience IMd (Instant Messaged) me the week before Thanksgiving and said “You need to Post.” (her name is Keri.) I said, “I know. I will.”
A week passed. My conscience pinged me again. “You really need to blog.” I replied, “Yes. Yes. I know. I will.”
Another week passed and as I buried myself deeper into my denial and copious amounts of low-fat eggnog, Christmas cookies, Hershey’s and Reese’s miniatures, movie popcorn, Painturos pizza, Taco Bell Burritos and Caramel Empanadas, Arbys Beef and Cheddar with potato cakes and a cherry turnover, and Moe’s fish tacos complete with chips and cheese… my despair grew deeper and even more painful.
Yesterday, my conscience IMd me again. This time, it was one word. BLOG! I don’t think it was in all caps. But, it should have been.
Last night I watched Biggest Loser for the first time this season (ironically while drinking a glass of eggnog and eating a few Pringles. But, not at the same time) and I cried. Hormones are doing me no favors this week. But, that’s no excuse. I was on this path long before mother nature moved in for a week.
By finally, I mean "finally". The buck stops at 10. This is my WAKE UP CALL. I cried watching Biggest Loser last night not because of my failure and believe me it rings even louder in the face of someone else's success. But, I cried because I know I can do this. I cried because I'm so happy for those finalists who are reaping the healthy rewards of their hard work.
The key word here is work. I can't be sad that I didn't drop a hundred pounds. The truth is I stopped doing the work. Nothing in this life is free. If you want something, you have to work hard to attain it. I have regret. And, I let it send me down a path that I never wanted to go again. But, thanks to the prodding of my friend Keri and others, I am no longer asleep at the wheel.
I’ll still finish the year weighing less than I started. I will likely post a net loss of 20 lbs. (If I don’t drop the 10 I’ve gained in the next 23 days. Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Just being honest) 20 lbs is nothing to scoff at. But, I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. I’m not proud. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m disgusted with my behavior. And, I’m putting myself on notice with a little tough love.
Dear Margaret,
You didn’t lose 100 pounds in a year. So what! Suck it up and deal with it. Stop hiding. Stop the destructive eating habits and get back on track. Failure doesn’t have to breed more failure. You are worth the effort.
Get off your ass and get back to the gym. Put down the eggnog and back away from the Pringles can. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be better. Good health is the goal. And while you’re at it, come January 1 change the name of your blog.
Love Always,
Your number One Fan - Margaret
My conscience IMd (Instant Messaged) me the week before Thanksgiving and said “You need to Post.” (her name is Keri.) I said, “I know. I will.”
A week passed. My conscience pinged me again. “You really need to blog.” I replied, “Yes. Yes. I know. I will.”
Another week passed and as I buried myself deeper into my denial and copious amounts of low-fat eggnog, Christmas cookies, Hershey’s and Reese’s miniatures, movie popcorn, Painturos pizza, Taco Bell Burritos and Caramel Empanadas, Arbys Beef and Cheddar with potato cakes and a cherry turnover, and Moe’s fish tacos complete with chips and cheese… my despair grew deeper and even more painful.
Yesterday, my conscience IMd me again. This time, it was one word. BLOG! I don’t think it was in all caps. But, it should have been.
Last night I watched Biggest Loser for the first time this season (ironically while drinking a glass of eggnog and eating a few Pringles. But, not at the same time) and I cried. Hormones are doing me no favors this week. But, that’s no excuse. I was on this path long before mother nature moved in for a week.
By finally, I mean "finally". The buck stops at 10. This is my WAKE UP CALL. I cried watching Biggest Loser last night not because of my failure and believe me it rings even louder in the face of someone else's success. But, I cried because I know I can do this. I cried because I'm so happy for those finalists who are reaping the healthy rewards of their hard work.
The key word here is work. I can't be sad that I didn't drop a hundred pounds. The truth is I stopped doing the work. Nothing in this life is free. If you want something, you have to work hard to attain it. I have regret. And, I let it send me down a path that I never wanted to go again. But, thanks to the prodding of my friend Keri and others, I am no longer asleep at the wheel.
I’ll still finish the year weighing less than I started. I will likely post a net loss of 20 lbs. (If I don’t drop the 10 I’ve gained in the next 23 days. Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Just being honest) 20 lbs is nothing to scoff at. But, I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. I’m not proud. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m disgusted with my behavior. And, I’m putting myself on notice with a little tough love.
Dear Margaret,
You didn’t lose 100 pounds in a year. So what! Suck it up and deal with it. Stop hiding. Stop the destructive eating habits and get back on track. Failure doesn’t have to breed more failure. You are worth the effort.
Get off your ass and get back to the gym. Put down the eggnog and back away from the Pringles can. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be better. Good health is the goal. And while you’re at it, come January 1 change the name of your blog.
Love Always,
Your number One Fan - Margaret
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