I'm Doin all right

Day 344,

There's a song by Joe Nichols and the chorus goes... "I'm doin all right.. for the shape I'm in. The sun came up again this mornin."

That's how I feel. On many levels, yesterday was an EPIC Fail. But, in other ways, it was a complete breakthrough. On the one hand I experienced some severe emotional eating. But, on the other hand, I finally stood up for myself in a situation that has been an issue for me for YEARS.

Last night when I put my head to my pillow, I had to admit to my husband that I ate 8 (yes EIGHT) pieces of Cinnamon toast complete with my old friend butter. It's awful. I know. BUT stay with me. Admitting it is a huge deal. I hit rock bottom. And, I'm not unhappy about that. It was necessary.  It was like an out of body experience. I was in the middle of a serious text battle with a family member with whom I've had a strained relationship my whole life. I actually told myself on the way to the kitchen for the second batch of cinnamon toast... "I can't deal with you right now because I'm busy ruining my own life." In the moment I knew this was destructive behavior. But, I couldn't stop myself. It was the only way that I could deal with the horrific pain. It's sad and abysmal. I'm not making an excuse here. It is what it s. It was an uinhealthy response. I knew it at the time. But, I was powerless to overcome it.

The true breakthrough is admitting it to someone else. My husband came home after the Titans' game (we won't discuss their dismal performance) and when we went to bed, I admitted what was wrong. I told him the whole story, the text battle complete with how I managed my emotions poorly. I said "I feel good and bad at the same time. Does that make sense?" I was glad that I finally said what I'd wanted to say for years. But, I regretted how I dealt with the accompanying feelings. It felt good when he said "I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself." He forgave the other. That really helped me.

Sometimes we have to get to a point where we realize that no matter how much we love someone, that it's best that we cut them out of our lives in order to survive. I've spent my entire adult life t:rying to avoid confrontation within my family. I keep quiet in order to keep the peace. I take abuse from some people and always end up forgiving them they say "sorry".  No more.

But, that's not the moral of this story. I was on my way home from a work thing today and I heard this Joe Nichols song. The words "I'm doin all right for the shape I'm in." and "The sun came up again this morning" really REALLY hit home.Guess what?  I survived. I said what needed to be said and I survived. The world didn't cease to exist. And, life didn't come to a screeching halt. What a novel idea!

Last New Years Eve when I rid myself of all my grievances, I was a little naive. Just saying that you let go of certain things isn't enough. You have to REALLY let go. Otherwise, it's just acting. I'm not dumb enough to say that I'm totally healed. But, I recognize my demon. That's half the battle. My naivete almost sent me back to obesity hell. But, I was fortunate enough to realize my folly before it was too late. Ignoring my pain isn't enough. I have to address it.

The sun will come up again tomorrow and I plan to greet it with a smile. I have a lovely family that I've created over the years. Some of them are blood relation. Many are not. But, I love them all the same. This is the time of year when we are supposed to count our blessings. Unfortunately, this is also a time when resentment tends to rear it's ugly head. I've dealt with that and now I plan to focus on the positive. I want to finish this year on a healthy note. I've had setbacks, it's true. But, I've also experienced success. I'm going to acknowledge, accept and celebrate it all.

It also doesn't hurt that I lost two pounds this week. Official weigh in is Monday. I'll keep you posted. I fully expect to report 2 of those regained 10 pounds GONE!

Cheers!
Margaret