It's my party and I'll smile if I want to

Day 354

In case you haven't noticed, it's the holiday season and there is no shortage of celebrations that include a myriad of opportunities for excess. So far, I've kept it mostly in check. But, that's not the purpose of my post today. I want to talk about perspective. Every year come party season I stress about how I look. I beat myself up for how much weight I've gained or how much weight I have not lost.

But, not this year. And, believe me, it would be easy for me to fall into those old habits especially since it's no secret that I put on a few of those pounds I'd previously lost. It really comes down to perspective. I look as good as I possibly can given the level of effort I've put into it. And, I look way better than this same week last year and I can prove it.
 

2009 Christmas

   

2010 Christmas

Changes is attitude and girth are evident on my face. That smile on the left was forced and a bit fake. It was my "Oh God I hope this picture of me in this hideous dress does not end up on Facebook" smile. The smile on the right is "Yeah. I look good. I'm gonna post this pic on facebook my damn self" smile... Please note the obvious lack of chin-age. I'm working my way down to the Merrill double as opposed to the obese triple I was careening toward last year.

I went to two holiday parties on Saturday. I was only self conscious once when I caught sight of my legs in a mirror at Hollywood Disco. My calves are chunky. I don't like that. I'm working on it.

I'm sorry. I digress.

I told my husband on the way to party number one that "I actually feel like I look pretty tonight." Those feelings are rare bordering on non-existent in my world. But, it was the truth. And, his perfect response was "good because you do." This confidence enabled me to have a fabulous evening as a result. I wasn't worried about whether or not I looked fat in my dress. I wasn't worried about what other people thought of me. I genuinely had a good time.

Later that evening I noticed that my husband had posted the following status on Facebook. "My wife is beautiful." He's my champion and is always quick to tell me that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, it was this spur of the moment status in the midst of a party where we were mingling and on totally opposite ends of the bar, that grabbed hold of my heart. It was spontaneous and heartfelt and quite possibly the best Christmas gift I've ever received. And, for once, I actually believed it too.

I'm slowly chipping away at this armour of fat and getting to know the me underneath. My confidence is rising and I believe in myself again. The scale reflects the loss, but it cannot possibly convey all that I'm gaining in return for each and every single one of those pounds.

P.S. This week brings me to another 1 lb loss. 7 more to go to get back to "even".

Cheers!
Margaret