Stumble Don't Tumble

Day 19

Yesterday was not the most successful day. Last night, I had a seemingly uncontrollable urge to eat. I'd already consumed my six meals for the day. But, I wanted something more. And, to be honest, I'd felt that way all day. I had four crackers at lunch (dipped in the honey mustard that accompanied my sandwich). These fall into the processed foods category which I'm trying to steer clear of except on my "free" day. I knew I shouldn't have been eating them yet I ate them anyway. Then, last night around 8 pm I was standing in the kitchen with a monumental craving for peanut butter. So, I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I ate it and I moved on.

You might be asking "if you moved on, then why bring it up?" I bring it up because my emotions are directly tied to my eating habits and I believe that it's important for me to talk about it. I mindlessly ate those crackers yesterday. Maybe it was my way of thumbing my nose that the scale for not giving me the results I wanted. Regardless of the reason, I knew when I was doing it that I shouldn't be doing it yet I did it any way.

I can say that my eating the peanut butter sandwich was not a completely emotional response. I was truly hungry. I just did not get enough quality protein yesterday which triggered the craving for peanut butter. This means that I need to plan better. It doesn't mean I'm a failure. For the first time in my life, I actually believe that statement.

My motto for this journey is "Stumble Don't Tumble"

It would have been easy for me to let that PB&J trigger a downward spiral of poor eating, which would have led to giving up on myself, which would have led to the demise of this blog. Believe me, I know. It's happened before (not the blog part). I'm working from home today and I'm all alone. This has been a land mine for me in the past. There's leftover Christmas candy; plenty of chips etc. on Tony's shelf, and no one here to see me eat it. But, I don't want to do that to myself anymore. The pleasure I get in a few moments of consuming all of that crap is not worth the guilt and self loathing I would feel afterward. And, if I'm being honest, the reason I would eat all of that crap before was to fill up an emotional hole.

I have to be aware of my demons. My emotional ties to food run deep. I know what it's like to be hungry and not know where the next meal might come from. That fear of deprivation has led me to be a hoarder of sorts. I trained myself early on to eat everything that was available because I never knew when it might be available again.

There was a period of time in my early teens when it was just me and my mother. She had demons of her own and let's just say that sometimes there was simply no food in the house. I very distinctly remember mixing margarine, flour and sugar and cooking it in a skillet for a meal when I was there alone. Being a resourceful sort, I became very good at getting myself invited to eat at friends or neighbors houses. And, I'm ashamed to admit that I once snuck into a neighbor's house when they weren't home to eat their food.

By the time I moved in with my father, my relationship to food was so messed up that I felt I needed permission to eat anything in his house. (It must be said that he never did anything to make me feel this way. It was all in my head). My weight was never an issue in high school although at 135 pounds I did think I was fat. I would teeter between eating what I could get my hands on to starving myself if I felt fat. I actually starved myself down to 118 right before junior prom. 118 is an unrealistic weight for me.

As a freshman in college, armed with a meal card, I was an eating fool. I deprived myself of nothing. I gained 15 pounds. As a sophmore in college, I was on my own with no financial support outside of student loans and a job. I lost the 15 pounds. Food became a survival issue again. It became a never ending cycle. When I was flush with cash I was fat, when I was broke I was skinny. Can you imagine what happened when I got married and we both had jobs and food was plentiful? I weighed 176 the day I got married (we lived together for a year planning the wedding. I gained 40 pounds that year). Today, I weigh 243.5. It's simple math.

We have been complimented by family and friends about the fact that we always have the best snacks. I do not want anyone to feel deprived. I have a deep emotional need to make sure no one goes hungry and that the food I serve is always delicious. Logically, I know that I can still make sure no one goes hungry and that the food I serve is always delicious.

But, I also know that I have to break my emotional bonds with food. I am fighting very hard not to led it hold me hostage anymore. I have money and the food will be there. It's ok to leave some in the fridge, the pantry and even on my plate. Today, I hold my head up strong knowing that I won't let myself down and happy that I only feel a tiny urge to sneak a mini peppermint patty from the candy bowl. But, I'm not gonna.

As an aside, I'd like to thank everyone for the emails and comments. Please keep them coming. They help me more than I can possibly convey. Your support means everything. I'm grateful and blessed to have it.

Cheers!
Margaret